She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
