are you so shy because you have an std?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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