so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
