I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize