"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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