he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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