I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
