opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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