If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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