i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
