apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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