the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
