i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
