were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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