i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
