You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
