i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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