seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
