So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
