Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
