Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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