she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ok first of all what the fuck
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
