wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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