your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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