hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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