Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
