I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
