She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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