i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
