I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
