I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
