i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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