Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
