Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
this is an emotional support booty call
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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