Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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