i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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