I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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