ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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