Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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