I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
