i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
