dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need water and some morals
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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