that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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