my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
