It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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