since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
