why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
