I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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