the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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