so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
