I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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