its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
