we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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