my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
