Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
