fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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