I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
