Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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