So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
